October last year I got excited over many things. A month later it all flipped out - no excitement, no joy, nothing. I spent day and night with Ms. Depression (I follow popular article's definition of it and sorry I it's misuse).
I used to do self-talking because it help me to get through the day which I stop ever since. I can only hear negative voices mocking my so-called life every. Single. Day.
I have to admit that my self esteem weakened, I hold myself in almost everything. Repeat. EVERYTHING. I stopped saying unnecessary comment that obviously will hurt someone, I stop challenge people if there's one thing that we do not agree about, I avoid arguments. My egos gone. I don't have any will to beat people. To destroy their life. Their confidence. Or anything.
And yes, by the way, I often imagine I can ruin someone's life. Like the antagonist do on TV. My life is as blurry as your wind shield in stormy nights. The so-called quarter life crisis. I know. I get it. But still~
I became the last person you wish to meet in any occasion. Not to try to make it worse buy I turned into a boring date. Now, how. Could. I. Even. Explain. That. Ha. Ha.
Until two weeks ago, they played Legally Blonde on TV. Since Elle Woods is our heroine (I know, right?), her character spoke to me. Then I realized something's missing. It's been a while since the last time I read/watch an empowered woman character. This is the manifestation of "surround yourself with positive people", or energy, or whatever , saying. So I try to be surrounded by such energy.
I start to redefine myself. I search. I observe. I collect. I assort energy that will be manifested in the new me.
I don't know how long it will take. I don't know what will I be. I don't know what kind of energy that I looking for. I don't know anything.
Sometimes I think it's a good point to keep yourself from I-know-it-all state of being. It keeps you questioning and start looking.
I can still hear the negative voices. And I's try my best to ignore them. My wind shield is till blur. But I have baking soda to make it shine and new again. If it doesn't work, I'll figure out other appliance. I guess. I don't know. But I'm totally a fun date again. 💋